a romantic or passionate attachment
Let me just start off with a disclaimer, I’m 100% single and have had 3 consecutive failed relationships. I know what you’re thinking, “How is this clown going to have a post about relationships with a rap sheet like that?” Well because this clown has learned so much from said relationships and well
…here we go.
LOVE LANGUAGES. COMMUNICATION. TRUST
Three out of many keys to a prosperous, healthy, and loving relationship. *If you’re religious, God as the foundation is of course an important key* With some other keys being actually having romantic feelings for your partner! I know, I know, you’re thinking duh of course you should have romantic feelings! You’ll be surprised how many people I know who ended up in relationships with people who were meant to be a friend *myself included.* Sometimes bonds can easily be misread! You have great conversations, they make you feel good, they’re always around when you need someone to talk to, they make you laugh, so they should be your partner…right? Possibly! If there’s no romantic feelings or sense of intimacy towards said individual…well then they could just be a great friend. What typically sets aside a friend from a romantic partner is intense intimacy. I used intense for a reason, because with friendships, there is already some level of closeness/intimacy. What sets your partner aside is that you all see each other in a different light, certain conversations are easier to have or just come more naturally, there’s a level of unmatched comfort you feel around this person, the attraction feels like a gravitational pull towards one another. The intimacy is well…intense! It can’t be forced, it happens naturally.
For those who don’t know what love languages are, they are ways to express heartfelt commitment to your lover. There are five of them:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
To quickly summarize-words of affirmation is using words to build up your partner. It doesn’t have to be complex it can be as simple as, “I love your hair today.”
Quality time, as the name suggest, is all about undivided attention! If this is your partners love language this means you should be dedicating time to enjoy your partners company. Depending on what type of person your partner is, it may not even have to be a “date.” It’s literally just the company they enjoy.
Acts of service as the name also suggest is literally acts of service. It’s doing the little things you know your partner would appreciate you doing. It can be anything from cooking a meal to having a cup of coffee waiting for them when they wake up.
Gifts is self-explanatory, if this is your partners love language, they literally enjoy receiving gifts (doesn’t always mean materialistic) to know they are appreciated. How big or small that gift is entirely up to your partner and who they are.
Physical touch, if this is your partners love language, they like love to be shown to them via physical touch. Hand holding, cuddling, kissing, running your hand through their hair, etc. It’s an intimate love language.
*Love languages can and should also be applied to friendships*
Love languages are sooo important. It’s like directions on how to properly love your partner. My personal top two love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service! I expressed this to my most recent ex and that individual took it upon themself to completely disregard this. They would fulfill literally every other language except the ones I said were mine. We hate to see it right. This individual felt because I was receiving gifts occasionally and because they would over compliment me that they were the perfect partner. WRONG. Besides that individual being a pathological liar, what went wrong was that they failed to listen.
Sometimes people feel they know you more than you know yourself. For reasons I’ll never understand. When someone is kind enough to tell you how they want to be loved and you don’t have to jump through hoops and go through months of an awkward stage to find out…oh you better believe them! Don’t question it, fulfill it. You can of course surprise them with things you want to do when it falls outside of their primary love languages, but if you want to maximize the impact and effect, utilize their primary love languages! Be present in your relationship. Even if they didn’t directly tell you their love language-they probably alluded to it with a story they told you, pointed out how they related to a certain scene in a movie, etc. be attentive!
Communication. I honestly don’t know too many people who do this effectively. Communication is a two-way street. It involves speaking and listening. Not “or” listening but “and,” listening, as in comprehend!!! If you don’t comprehend the point they are trying to convey, ASK! Everyone wants to be heard but few people take the time to stop and listen. If you’re attentive and present in your relationship most of the time your partner has already expressed what they expect, what they want, and what they need in order to feel secure in said relationship. The communication aspect can be uncomfortable at times.
Sometimes uncomfortable conversations need to be had if you feel like your partner isn’t satisfying you. If the conversation isn’t had, it slowly builds to sadness, anger, or resentment for your partner and the whole time they’re clueless as to why there’s a change in your attitude. Be vocal with your wants, disappointments, and expectations! Speak AND listen! It’s wild how much time and energy can be saved from communicating effectively. If you’re with a partner who doesn’t like communication and it’s something that’s big to you. For starters, you really need to ask yourself if you’re okay with being with someone who doesn’t like communication and secondly, find other ways to communicate. Communication isn’t always verbal. Some people have to utilize body language or notes to get their partner to initiate the conversation.
Trust. Never give your partner a reason not to trust you! Never. It’s that simple. Trust is one of those things that when you lose it, it might be lost forever. Two out of those three failed relationships I had, the trust was lost early on and I lied to myself and them. I told them I had forgiven them when in actuality, I didn’t. They put me in a constant state of being on edge because I simply didn’t trust them. I’d question who they were with, who they were texting, so on and so forth. Lying, half assed communication, lack in transparency, are all things that can lead to your partner not trusting you. If you genuinely care about your person be honest, be open, and never put them in a position where they have to question your trust. Trust and security go hand in hand. You really think a person will feel secure in a relationship where the trust is rocky?
Love is a beautiful thing! I went from a clingy partner, to a cheating partner, to a partner who was a pathological liar and I still see the beauty in it! If you’re someone like me who has also had failed relationships, please, don’t let that stop you from eventually putting yourself back out there again. Take as much time to yourself as you need, that’s what I’m doing! I’m currently keeping to myself, but I’m also no longer afraid to receive and give love. We aren’t defined by our past relationships, we think we are defined by the memories, impact, and in some cases trauma that we let linger. Not everyone has to be in a relationship, but if you’re someone who wants to be in one and your past is stopping you…you have to tell yourself that it is okay to heal, because it is! You deserve it. You can only blame yourself for so long, the great thing about the past is that it’s literally behind us, you have the option not to look back!
Be optimistic and keep moving forward. It might take yearsssss, it’s taken me years to recover from some of the events in my past that were caused by a failed relationship. But the reward in the long run is worth it, the peace of mind is worth it. I know the next person I decide to love will be unconditionally and that’s because I stopped blaming myself and decided to let go. To heal. Keep pushing.
Go be a better lover to your partner, go heal, take the time to yourself if you need it! Whoever you are, go do what you need to do. Why? Because that’s #WhatChiSaid! See you next week!
*You can do everything “right” in a relationship and it still doesn’t work out. This does not mean it’s your fault and this does not mean you aren’t worthy of love. It means it wasn’t the right person!*
~Professional help is always recommended, if needed.
~I have the pdf version of the The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, email me if interested!
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