Ownership

Take ownership (of)

(idiom.) To take personal responsibility for (something).

These past few months I have had some very intense conversations with myself and with others. In a nutshell, the general theme of those conversations has been lack of ownership. When referring to our past, we tend to point fingers such as; I am this way because this person lied to me four years ago or I have trust issues because this person backstabbed or gaslighted me. You know…something along those lines! Although said may be true, we tend to deflect the role we played in those situations. Not in the hurt we received, but in the environment we created that birthed those situations and I’m going to dive into it with my personal experiences and I hope the message is received. 

If you read some of my past posts, you know I’m no stranger to pain. In fact there was a point in my life where I embraced and craved more of said pain because I created an identity around it that I did not know how to shed. 

Straight to the point…I have trust issues. I am of course working on it, but my trust issues are rooted in failed and or broken romantic and platonic relationships. I am not a fan of vulnerability, it is very difficult for me to be vulnerable outside of my familial relationships. There was even a point where I did not know how to, or even want to be vulnerable with my family. Nevertheless, I understood bonds grow deeper when there’s an aura of vulnerability emanating around a relationship. It’s another way of saying I trust, love, and respect you without physically having to say those words. Ergo, I became vulnerable in my platonic and romantic relationships. Vulnerable in the sense that I was able to take off my, “tough girl shield,” and became comfortable in that bond. I eventually got to the point where I opened up about extremely sensitive topics, often. I considered these people a part of my “inner circle.” Which for me is HUGE because honestly, I don’t like people all too much. 

Of course there’s more to the story, but in return I was cheated on, lied to, betrayed, belittled, let down, and or had my character slandered in some form. This was over the span of years!!! Different people, different friendships/relationships, but same outcome. I kept telling myself, “wow you have such a bad judgement of character.” But in reality, I didn’t. I knew. Deep down inside, I knew. The signs were always there for both the romantic relationships and platonic friendships, I just intentionally decided to ignore them. This is where ownership and accountability come into play. Let’s get into it!!!!

Up until the start of my spiritual journey, I would tell people I was a product of my environment. I am the way I am because said person did this to me and therefore it is their fault why I had to begin the journey in the first place. Talk about DEFLECTION, am I right?! I was ducking and diving from accountability like an all star dodgeball player! 

What I should have been saying was, I was a product of an environment that I created. That’s the cold hard facts. I was simultaneously the creator and target audience. I curated every environment I found myself hurting in! I created an environment that reflected who I was at those times to normalize my not so good character traits. My insecurities, how I didn’t know how to properly address jealous feelings when they’d arise, my fear of not being accepted or liked, my fear of being lonely and not fitting in, I created an environment that reflected that because I convinced myself, if these people have the same traits as me it must be normal and therefore it is perfectly okay. *For most people in my life during those times, this rationalization process was intentional. For some people it was a subconscious act that I didn’t realize until years later.*

It was downright an avoidance tactic that essentially blew up in  my face. It was those same qualities I disliked in myself that I seeked in others that resulted in my hurt, betrayal, and so forth! I was hit with a life reverse, draw 4 Uno scenario. I wanted them in my life to normalize my insecurities but their insecurities ended up hurting me severely. Yikes. 

There was not one person who has hurt, betrayed, or lied to me that I didn’t see it coming. I saw their insecurities, they wore it outside of themselves like designer clothing. I saw how they were conniving and dishonest to other people in their life they deemed were their friends. I even caught them in some lies with me, but I brushed it off because I considered them harmless lies. All the signs were there. A person who is insecure and is not working on their insecurities will project it to their surroundings. We see it all the time, I talked about it in my, Hurt People, Hurt People, post. I told myself, I was the exception…there was no way they would hurt me, and well life has a funny way of humbling you. 

Not everyone in my life was like that, internally I knew what I was doing! So, I also had people in my life I admired. I admired their confidence, their strength, how they presented themselves, and just who they were overall. I was inspired by them! But, these weren’t the people I kept closest to me. I was very cordial with them but at a certain distance. If they were in my inner circle, I would have honestly either became jealous or would have had to admit to myself that I needed to work on myself and neither were things I wanted to feel or do. I had a few in my inner circle, my best friend among some other beautiful souls I crossed. But, I couldn’t have too many because then it would have been evident my confident, I got the whole world figured out act was truly…an act. 

Since I’ve been honest with myself and my past insecurities, I have been able to work on them and place people in my life who are in a sense a reflection of me, the woman I became and is still becoming. Those similar qualities of growth, maturity, and wanting to be better! Amongst other things of course like genuinely enjoying each other’s company and being able to have fun with one another. I only want people in my life that hold themselves accountable and are actively working on themselves so I don’t get hurt in the crossfire. I’ve reached a stage in my life were it is too emotionally taxing to keep people in my life who for starters don’t take ownership over their actions and secondly, who consistently act in a way that jeapordizes our relationship (platonic or romantic) and all they have to show for it is a, “I’m sorry.” I’m constantly learning and overcoming, therefore I am constantly adjusting my life. Placing boundaries where I see fit or removing myself from situations that are bad for my well being. 

Take ownership in the worlds you create. Were the people in your life who hurt you a more unhinged reflection of you? Were you blindsided or were signs presented to you that you brushed off or ignored? Remember, people are in our lives because we allow them to be. If an individual has a placeholder in your life, you are the one that placed them there!! We are the boss in our stories, so we can remove, adjust, or add new people as we see fit and that is nobody’s business but your own!

Taking ownership of the worlds you created does not excuse the hurt you received. It is simply acknowledging the part you played. Self accountability is an important step in healing. It was not your fault you were wronged, but it is your responsibility to properly assess those situations so you can learn, heal, and move past them. Eventually, if you sit with yourself and your uncomfortable thoughts long enough you’ll uncover the answers you thought you’d never receive. Get introspective, take ownership, and continue to allow yourself to heal. Why? Because that’s #WhatChiSaid! See you next time!

*Trigger Warning: Sexual and Physical abuse)*

This does NOT apply to situations of rape, sexual assault of any kind, physical abuse of any kind, or any other severe hardships. At the end of the day, sometimes people are just bad people. Regardless if you intentionally or unintentionally put yourself in a situation where hurt was the outcome, the pain you felt whether it was mental, emotional, or physical was not your fault. You did not deserve that and I wish you nothing but a peace of mind and hopefully healing sooner than later. You are not alone and I’m extremely happy and proud that you chose to overcome and keep pushing forward!

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