Breakups

I thought it would be best to talk about breakups since I have talked about both dating and relationships. If you remember from my relationships post, I talked about my three consecutive bad relationships, hence my three consecutive bad breakups. We hate to see it right? Although now I’m in a much better space with my exes and there’s no animosity between us, well 2 out of the 3 (those are still good numbers!!). It wasn’t always like this. The breakups were U-G-L-Y, they ain’t have no alibi, straight ugly!

Breakup

(noun.) The end of a relationship

There are levels to breakups. I personally categorize them into three levels, with one being the best and three being the worst.

Level 1

This is the type of breakup I wish upon everyone that has to unfortunately go through the breakup experience. This is the most amicable type of breakup. Both people involved mutually agree to part ways. Whether it’s because they simply grew apart, they realize things are no longer working as is, or something happened that they were able to mediate and conclude the relationship ending is best. Whatever the case may be, it’s a smooth breakup. That doesn’t necessarily mean the people involved in the relationship are still friends after the fact (they could be), there is just no animosity between them and there is still respect for one another. They simply just don’t work as romantic partners

Level 2

This breakup is somewhat bad. It is abruptly ended by one person. One person involved no longer wants to be in that relationship. They feel distant, detached, lost romantic feelings, or want to explore other romantic options. Whichever the case, it is not mutual. The other person may even feel blindsided by the breakup. However, although one person feels blindsided and the breakup wasn’t a mutual decision, there is still an aura of respect that emanates from that bond because the relationship was filled with joy. There may be sad feelings of course, but no hate. It takes a while to heal from this level of breakup, but there is a peace of mind and understanding that is reached once the person involved has time to reflect.

Level 3

Are you familiar with the game uno? Draw 4, draw 4, draw 2, skip, skip, skip, and then reverse when it’s finally about to be your turn again. Imagine this happening to you each round. You know that anger you feel when/if this happens, multiply that anger by about 10 and that’s what this level of breakup feels like. Someone in the relationship was disrespected…badly. They probably were disrespected multiple times throughout the relationship, but this particular disrespect was the last straw. Regardless if a person was lied to, led on, or cheated on, this break up is U-G-L-Y. Someone more than likely got cussed out, both people may have gotten cussed out, low ball insults were said, out of pocket remarks were made, personal items may have gotten damaged, both people probably blocked one another, and the best word to encompass the severity of this break up is, toxic. I do not wish this level of breakup upon anyone. It takes a long time to heal from such a level. Trust issues as well as other mental issues may arise because of this type of breakup. One of the people involved may never receive closure from the other person and has to do the internal work to give closure to themselves. One of the people involved (typically the one that was the receiver of the disrespect) may be harassed after the fact, bombarded with calls, texts, dm’s, and emails from the other person attempting to rekindle the relationship. An apology may be received months or years down the line, but the initial breakup is UGLY.

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Regardless the level of the breakup, it hurts. You form a bond with someone, the bond is so deep that you both decide that this level of intimacy needs to only be experienced with one another. So, you label the bond. Now you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, girlfriend and girlfriend, boyfriend and boyfriend, them and girlfriend, them and boyfriend, them and them, whatever you both individually identify as. This bond is more than likely not only emotional, but physical and mental as well. You may have even grown for the better, for some the worse. Then, all of a sudden, that bond is severed. 

Whether it was abruptly or built up tension, that bond breaking feels like your heart shattered. Yes, you can pick up the pieces, but you feel as if all the pieces are not quite there anymore. You feel as if there is no way you can ever get past it, then one day you are!

How do we get past the emotional distress?

A romantic heartbreak is a loss, you’re essentially grieving and there are stages of grieving. So, before I get into those grieving stages, I want to make it clear there is no time frame in which you have to make it out of the grieving process. How long you stay in it is entirely up to you. BUT, I will say, the longer you stay in it, the harder it is to pull yourself out. You have to be your own meter that gauges whether you’re actually helping or hurting yourself in your process. Helping is giving your heart time to catch up to your mind. You may know you’re not in the relationship, but your heart already made that attachment and craves to rekindle it. On the other hand, hurting looks like avoiding sifting through those emotions and just sitting in that heartbreak funk. At some point, you have to accept the fact that you’re no longer in the relationship and allow yourself to continue to live without heartache. Give your mind, body, and soul permission to heal and to be happy again.  

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Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You can learn more about each stage here

Everyone grieves differently. Some people go through all five stages, some people only 2 or 3, and the order listed above isn’t a set order, you can experience these stages in any order. 

One of my breakups were level 2, but I was the one who blindsided my ex. I lost romantic feelings, I didn’t want to be in a relationship and felt that I was forcing myself because I agreed to be someone’s girlfriend. The other two relationships were level 3. WHEW. I was the receiver of the disrespect in both those relationships and I still somehow was cussed out, called out my name, and a whole bunch of other things that I finally got past. A whole bunch of other situations I finally let go of and forgave myself for putting myself in those situations and allowing such disrespect. The aftermath of those breakups were extremely toxic. The way I was talked to, treated, and harassed made me think that I was the one that cheated and lied, when in actuality those things were done to me. 

I recognized the role I played in both those relationships and how my insecurities at the time attracted other insecure people. My partners were my reflection and I had to own that to get past it. I’m going to be quite honest, it took a very long time to move on from those relationships, over a year at that! I went through all five stages of grief. Each stage for me lasted about 2 months, except anger and depression lasted about 7-8 months. 

One day I woke up and decided I didn’t want to be angry anymore and that’s exactly what I did. I literally looked in the mirror, eyes filled with tears, and told myself, “I’m sorry.” I know I can be a bit dramatic but I internally knew I deserved more. They aren’t lying when they say eyes are the window to our souls because looking into my own eyes through that mirror, that soul looking back at me was unrecognizable. I let those breakups consume me, fill me with rage, turn me into a person I didn’t know I had the capability of being. So I wanted to apologize to myself for not only allowing myself to be disrespected by my partners during and after the relationships, but for mainly disrespecting myself for allowing myself to sit in anger and depression for so long.

If you’re going through a breakup, you may think it’s the end of the world. You may be indescribably hurting, don’t know what to do, feel like a piece of you is missing, and I want you to know you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Our hearts are extraordinarily strong, our inner strength is constantly radiating and growing, and you are capable of pulling yourself out of that heartbreak funk. Allow yourself to grieve, feel all those uncomfortable feelings, and then let them pass. Remind yourself of your inner strength, remind yourself who you are, who you’re becoming, and what you will no longer tolerate in the future. Grieve, and then give yourself permission to heal and overcome. Why?  Because that’s #WhatChiSaid! See you next time!

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